CHARISMATIC FRIENDS 

12/17/2022

The undeniable reality is that some people are more charismatic than others. Uniquely charismatic people become movies stars, chief executives, and successful politicians. And unfortunately, despite what self-help books may tell you, by consciously trying to become more magnetic, you’ll likely become more repulsive instead. 

This fact used to depress me, because who wouldn't want to be more magnetic? But as I got older, and came to know more and more charismatic people in the academic and professional worlds, what I found was that while many charismatic people are perfectly fine human beings, many are not. In fact, there is probably zero relationship between charisma and character. Realizing this made me question whether being charismatic is even a worthy quality to begin with.

The danger of charisma is not just how uncorrelated with character it is, but how modernity gives it such disproportionate influence on how we judge others. If you move to a new city, start a new job, and have to find new friends, how might you do so? Well, it's often based on attraction. Not physical attraction (although sometimes that’s part of charisma), but you'll naturally be drawn to more magnetic individuals.

There’s nothing wrong with that per se, but if zero correlation exists between charisma and character, then by default many people are choosing new relationships (and leaders) in a suboptimal manner. 

It might be a serious problem in our mental wiring that the qualities we find interesting and attractive in strangers might not be conducive to healthy relationships in any way. I think the reason we’re not great at judging strangers is because for thousands of years, humans mostly had meaningful relationships with people they’d known all their lives. If anything, we’ve evolved an instinctive distrust of people we don’t know.

Charisma essentially equals the power to overcome the natural and justifiable skepticism people have towards strangers--to disarm the mistrust we've inherited from millions of years of evolution. Why don't we see this power for what it is: potentially vary dangerous and ripe for abuse?

The upshot here is that adults should probably stop selecting friends the way high schoolers do. High schoolers are constantly trying to navigate a social hierarchy by gravitating towards popularity, a close proxy of charisma. This might seem ridiculous but adults have a bad habit of doing the same thing without even realizing it. By disproportionately selecting for charismatic people when seeking relationships, we set ourselves up for something devoid of substance, not unlike the sort of empty friendships teenagers develop. 

Even worse, we risk getting taken for suckers. If you select friends based on how magnetic they are, you're forfeiting the natural defense mechanisms against opportunistic strangers that have evolved over millions of years. Never forget that Bernie Madoff, by all accounts, had an extremely magnetic personality. Most con artists do.

I'm not saying that all or even most charismatic people are bad. I'm saying we're too quick to like (even admire!) charismatic people for no good reason, without trying to discern anything of substance about their actual characters. This is a normal flaw in human psychology, but one of increasing consequence in a world where influence can be earned rather superficially online.

I’m also not saying you should only try to befriend wallflowers and bores. But if you meet someone at a party who seems charming and interesting beyond belief, pump the brakes before going all in. Sometimes you don't need your friends to be terribly interesting--just good and decent will do.

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